My whole life I’ve been plagued with what I like to call a “non-ass”. My non-ass is where my back goes straight down, indents slightly, and then connects to my leg. Please see the diagram to the right. Due to my non-ass I can NEVER keep my pants up. With each pound lost this problem gets worse and worse. I tighten my belt so tight that I lose feeling in my toes, but my pants still fall down below my ass. I also have to replace my belt ever couple of months because I have it so tight that the holes get stretched out and the belt rips.
Belts, elastic wastes bands and draw strings don’t work. The only thing that does work is suspenders, but I can’t bring myself to rock a pair of those… Either I’m far to cool to wear them, or they are far too cool for me to wear. I haven’t figured it out yet. The way I see it I have two options. I could start my own clothing line and make underwear out of sandpaper / grip tape, but that might be a little to scratchy on the boys, and most likely my pants would just bring my shorts down with them, or I could get butt implants to create a luscious buttock that will gently hold my pants up in their proper position. Option two seams like the most logical option, no?
So, I need your help. I’m poor and can’t afford the implants on my own. I could start a PayPal donation account, and you (My wonderful readers that never comment. Oh yea, I know you’re there. I have trackers!) could donate and help me! Sounds great right?! Let me sweeten the deal… Anyone that donates $1,000.00 or more… I’ll tattoo your name on my new and improved ass.
If you’ll excuse me. I’m off to research PayPal.
#1 by Rita on October 20th, 2008
You forgot the third option: Spandex tights, like Peter Pan. The curly toed shoes would be awesome, as well.
#2 by theKirkness on October 20th, 2008
dont get implants man. you should totally rock the suspenders!
my dad has the same problem and rocks the suspenders. I must have got my bubble but from my mom’s side.
#3 by Patricia on October 20th, 2008
I agree with Kirk….you could always wear suspenders. Or tights.
#4 by jin on October 20th, 2008
Can’t you just walk around with a boner all the time?
#5 by jimbo anderson on October 21st, 2008
Jin,
A boner isn’t the solution. My junk already holds up the front of my pants. Its the back side of my pants that have nothing to grip onto to stay up.
#6 by Matt on October 14th, 2009
You could always stuff?
#7 by MarMar on October 14th, 2009
There’s an option 4 – fitness! get rid of the gut and get the gluts large – release the PSOAS and strengthen the back muscles. You can do it BIG GUY. What held the tights up when you were playing Football?